AARP (Unplugged)

Comment for August 12th, 2025

Across America this afternoon, millions of GIFs went unsent and AI-hallucinated reports were saved to “Draft,” as the country’s stay-at-home workforce turned its attention to weightier matters: making sure to send one last email to grandma before AOL sounds the final death knell for dial-up. Much like your local record-needle maintenance catalogue or typewriter repairman, the once and futureless king of internet service has, it appears, silently continued operations for decades, sans fanfare or applause, boldly continuing its foundational mission of frustrating customers wherever there are paper checks to be signed or envelopes to be licked. Still, all things must come to an end. Today’s press release stated that service will officially halt next month or whenever its domestic customers turn their Doomsday preparations to purifying rainwater or digging vegetable gardens and finally cancel their landlines, whichever comes first. In related news, international wireless provider Starlink received thousands of inquiries shortly after the announcement was made, coincidentally all from estranged Nigerian royalty seeking alternative networks. Representatives for the Musk venture could not be reached for comment as they were busy processing sales orders and deciding, once the princes’ funds clear, whether to have their Ferraris painted Rosso Corsa or Titanium Grey.

While the more callow third of the U.S. population inquires of the almighty algorithm what the word “dial” has to do with the word “computer,” or, conceivably, “telephone,” the saggier remnant of the hoi polloi might recognize this obsolescence for the morbid milestone that it is. Yet the memories remain. Count Chocula may have been pierced by the wooden stake of progressivism and perhaps Billie Joe Armstrong will soon be worried about social security eligibility, but should we not dwell on the good years, those salad days when we were green in Ring Pops? Let us now praise the height of our commercial civilization, that orgy of frosted tips and Red 40, such as it was, when the font was Comic Sans and it took half the day to render the graphics on the Dragonball Z fan site. Slower were the megabytes, but so were the precious hours. Were we not happier then?